2004-09-14 - 1:52 a.m.
Just a short word to all those who are wondering. All six of you, that is. As of last Thursday, I am a single woman for the first time in four years. I'm ok. Just ok. Close friends knew it was coming to this, and all I heard for the longest time was "I just want you to be happy." I can't say that I'm exactly that. I'm somewhat relieved, yes. All that pressure and anxiety and sadness is finally lifted. But it's been replaced by something that's almost worse. A different kind of pressure and anxiety and, certainly, a different kind of sadness. It was not a split that came about because of animosity and anger, rather, it came out of love. Jason and I had not been good to each other for quite some time. And we realized that. And we also realized that, although we love each other deeply, it was unfair for us to remain in a relationship that did not bring out the best in each of us, all the time. Perhaps I'm assuming too much with the "we." All I know is that I love this man, and I miss him very much, every day, in too many intimate ways for me to describe. But I love him, and, moreover, respect him, more than enough to know that I was not treating him fairly, and he deserves more. And the same goes for me, in the reverse. Luckily, I'm fortunate enough to have not only had a wonderful lover for four years, but to have also come to know a beautiful person, who is in a very real sense my best friend. We're approaching this from a position of strength, rather than of weakness. The worst thing for me to imagine would be to lose him altogether. But I'm not, and for that I am so very grateful.