2004-09-27 - 10:46 p.m.
The last couple weeks have been crazy, on many different levels. I'm going to leave school alone right now, since that's not what's primarily on my mind. This was my horoscope yesterday:The valleys are always followed by peaks. And this low point will be, too.
So impossible to keep that in mind. And this one, too:
Everything's been a bit of a blur recently. Take some time to do some serious reflection. The path between your brain and your heart will benefit from the scheduled maintenance.
That seems to be my biggest problem, as people who know me well would be quick to tell you. I've been frustrated the last couple weeks about my feelings, and I have a hard time connecting my head with my heart. Obviously, at this point, I'm grieving for the end of a relationship. Let me quickly review the stages of grief. First there's denial, then anger or resentment, then bargaining, then depression, then acceptance. I think it's safe to say that this process was started well before the official break-up took place. And I'm realizing that I'm probably at the depression stage. Which, on one hand, is great -- I'm already on number FOUR! But on the other hand it's completely impossible to be struggling with at this point, especially when you throw it into my just-started-my-master's-degree-program-crazy-schedule-with-an-exam-in-two-days-and-I'm-already-ten-chapters-behind life.
I keep feeling so sad, and then I get mad at myself for being sad. My brain tells me that no, Stupid, you chose this, this is good for you, you'll be happier in the long run. You don't get to be sad. But my heart is just aching. And I'm angry at myself for being sad. I'm angry at myself for missing him. And then I get impatient with myself for being impatient with myself. And so on and so forth. My friend Amy told me the other day that I was handling this much better than almost anybody else she's ever seen go through a breakup after such a long time. But I feel like such an imposter -- I put on this brave face and, truly, most of the time I'm fine, but then I'll hear a song on the radio, or I'll remember how he used to put adult diapers in the grocery basket when I wasn't looking, or I'll think about the way he used to talk when he was leaving me a silly message, or how he used to wear my grandmother's old pink bathrobe when he stayed over and my aunt would call him Bunny, or how much I miss his cat... and how much of a failure I feel that I couldn't make a relationship work with the man that I love. And the sadness just washes over me like a tidal wave. It's those little moments that are so unbearable to me right now.
The valleys are always followed by peaks. And this low point will be, too.
So, so hard to keep on remembering this.
