2004-11-23 - 12:01 a.m.
My week is over. Already. I am SO looking forward to having an entire six days off, it’s ridiculous. It turns out I fell within my four point spread on last week’s Pathophysiology final, and my presentation this morning for Nursing Theory went well, so things are still looking good for passing all my classes this semester. All I have left are two ten page papers, one for my psych clinical, and one for my med-surg clinical, and the finals in all of my classes, and I will have completed my first semester of nursing school. I’m can’t believe I only have three weeks left.Life has been interesting this last week. My dates last Friday were, well, let’s say, enlightening. Lunch was really nice, and I’ve seen that guy a couple times since, both unplanned, and I like his energy. He’s really sweet, and he’s made it obvious that he enjoys my company, so I think I’ll keep him around for at least a little while. We actually have a date tomorrow, which should be nice. The evening date was a whole different story. It never panned out, exactly. See, this is a guy I happen to work with, which puts a whole different spin on the dating situation. We’ve been out a couple times before, and we had a good time, but I’m realizing that he’s just not worth the trouble. He has worse PMS than any woman I’ve ever met. Plus, he’s the most immature 32-year-old one could ever encounter. Basically, I’ve come to the realization that he’s just not worth wasting my time. I have a guy (possibly two) who really, honestly likes me, and at least one relationship that’s fulfilling at this moment and takes no effort. Why would I chase after someone who could take me or leave me? Not worth it. I deserve better. So he’s done.
Which leaves two. I’m somewhat conflicted about this. On one hand, there’s this guy I’m going out with tomorrow. He’s cute, and sweet, and very considerate, and I can tell he really likes me. And on the other hand, there’s NB. I could be with NB in a second. I mean, really be with him. But I know from speaking with him that he’s a tad on the commitment-phobic side. And, to be completely honest, I’m not exactly looking to jump into a serious relationship at this juncture, either. So I’m not pushing the issue. Which is kind of why I’m keeping my options open and seeing this other boy. But the more I talk to NB, and the more I spend time with him and get to know him, the more I find myself interested in him. Maybe even falling for him, just a little bit. One who knows me well can understand my trepidation about this fact. Things are still really new. And the last time I jumped in head first, it turned out the pool was empty. So (Queen of Bad Metaphors that I am), I’ve been trying to do this one toe at a time. But the fact is, I haven’t seen him in just over a week, and I realized today that I miss him. I honestly miss him.
I get to see him on Saturday. I get to see him all weekend, basically. And I can’t wait. But I’m a little scared of what recognizing that feeling means. It means I’ve made an emotional investment in another person, and it means that I may end up getting hurt. I’d be lying to myself if I denied that I would be upset if we stopped seeing each other. I already know that he’s a guy I enjoy spending time with and a person with whom I enjoy being intimate. I would be really sad if that ends. I think what it is, in truth, aside from him, is that I’m really afraid of being vulnerable again. As much as I’ve healed and grown and learned in the last three months, I’m scared of putting myself out there. I’m afraid of what I may risk losing. Yes, I know in order to be loved I need to learn to love again, but I haven’t been convinced yet that the risk is worth the reward. So I guess that’s why I’m seeing two different men now. More than the thrill of being wanted. More than the excitement of being pursued. I’m not willing to put my heart on the line yet and open myself up to both the benefits and conflicts of dedicating myself to one, and only one, person. At least not until I know that one person is willing to do that for me.
