me: hey! do you leave tomorrow?
jason (six minutes later): no .. friday am
me: that's right. trying to get everything squared away at work?
jason: yes
me: so you had a fun christmas? i had left by the time you got back to my im...
jason (two minutes later): it was really nice.
me: that's great.
me: well, just wanted to say hello
me: and happy holidays
me: i hope you have a great time in cancun
me: wear sunscreen!
me: :)
me: and send me a postcard if you get a chance...
jason (twenty minutes later): thanks...and happy new years to you
me: thanks!
me: have a safe trip
(no response)

I guess I'm just feeling a little sad about missing my friend. Jason and I spent just about every minute of four years together. And in one day, that all ended. It's a pretty hard adjustment to make, to go from spending all of your time with one person, thinking and planning and living your life with that ONE person, to really not having him or her in your life at all. I have to say, I really miss that. He was, and still is, a very important person to me. I think about him often. No, not every day. But things come up, people mention things, and memories come back, and he's there again.

I spent a good deal of time this vacation hanging out with my old roommate and best friend, and there were times when she and I were hanging out, talking about old times, that I missed him. And then, of course, there were those times where I thought about him, but didn't miss him at all. Like tonight, for instance, when I was spending time with one of my new best friends from school, Amy, who I leaned on a whole lot through the month of September, when things were really hard for me. And she marvelled at how unbelievably I've been doing. She actually said that she couldn't believe how amazingly well I had done this semester (ahem, a 3.42 GPA), given what a mess I was at the beginning of it. And she said that she couldn't imagine going through what I'd gone through -- watching me cry my heart out on so many occasions. And I really did. I am SO proud of myself, for going through such a hard time in my first semester of graduate school, and proving that I am so capable of so much, despite all the hurt and distraction in my personal life.

I'm not quite sure what I feel right now. I've been thinking about Jason a lot lately, mostly feuled by that last little conversation that we had. I miss him, and I'm not quite sure what's on his mind. I would totally understand if Jessica didn't want him to have contact with me (although I would be a little bit upset about his inability to explain to her that we are definitely over and she has nothing to fear from me). To be completely honest, I am SO happy for him, and the happiness that he has been able to find in this other woman. That's what I wanted for him from the start, as soon as I realized I was not the person to be able to give him that happiness. If anything, I wish that I were experiencing the same kind of bliss that he is (although, to be honest, NB is fucking fantastic, but that's going to have to wait for another post).

It's just hard to have a best friend for four years one minute, and then not have him the next minute, and figure out how to deal with that. I'm really hoping that we will get a chance to spend some time together in the next few weeks and figure out where we stand. I would be unbelievably sad to lose him -- he's a person that I've valued greatly in my life over the past four and a half years, and I need him to know that he's still valued. I just need to figure out how he fits in (and he really does fit in), and how he feels comfortable fitting in to my life. Because if he can find a nice, comfy spot, I would be glad to have him forever. I love him. He really is one of my best friends.