2008-08-19 - 2:05 a.m.I keep having little tidbits of flashbacks of dreams, and I think my subconscious is trying to tell me something. I haven't had enough of a background in psych to know what, but I tell you, by god, there's a reason I'm dreaming, and there's a reason I'm remembering those parts of dreams that keep flashing back at me at weird moments.
I can think of a couple reasons. Maybe it's because I'm unhappy at my job. Not so much the J-O-B, as the bullshit that comes with it. In fact, I absolutely love my job. I'm happy every day at work... I love my patients, I love the work I do more than 90% of the time. I can't imagine being more in love with what I do. But I'm very tired of the crap that comes along with it. The ridiculous politics and pettiness at work are just incredibly tiresome. And my background in HR makes it super obvious to me where the problems are, and I'm totally powerless to fix them. I'm sure that's an issue, subconsciously.
Also, I'm in love. In a bad way... I mean, I'm in love with someone who doesn't love me back. This can't be good for the psyche. I told myself I wasn't going to let myself fall for him, and then I went and did. And I keep doing it. And I can't help myself. And I wouldn't change a thing. Because this boy, this man -- honestly, he's such a man that I can't ever call him a boy again -- he made me realize what it's like to love again. I know that in some little crevice of the back of his imagination he knows how I feel, but I'm trying my best not to let on. And failing miserably, I'm sure.
But honestly, I don't care if I get hurt. I love him. And it's fucking great to love someone, after not caring for so long. I'm relishing the feeling of being vulnerable, because I haven't let myself be vulnerable in a long time. I know I'm going to cry. I've already cried, many times, and it's really wonderful to know that I can feel so passionately about someone. So even though I'm sad sometimes, I'm actually really happy. And the best part is, this man is such a wonderful, beautiful person, I don't care if he ever *loves* me back, because I know already that he cares about me, and that makes me so happy. I'm a better person for having known him, and if all he ever is is a friend to me, that's so much better than never having had him in my life. Seriously. Such a blessing.
I've known him for a few short months, and he was exactly the friend I needed, when I needed it. He makes me laugh, doesn't let me take myself too seriously, he supports me and builds me up when I need it, and I'm more than happy to return the favor. But, I have to say, the best part about him is that he is completely and totally honest and open with me. Like a breath of fresh air. He has told me some really hard truths about his life and his experience, things that are really hard to admit, very difficult to talk about, and he has done it with such honesty and grace and humility. He has truly changed my world.
Every day I'm admitted into the very intimate lives of my patients, and I feel very priviledged for that, but this is different. As a clinician, I'm bound by certain obligations to keep the private lives of my patients private. So people can tell me all they want when they're in the exam room, and, by and large, I'm obligated to forget what they've said the second I walk out the door. But this man has told me so many intimate things that I don't deserve to know. And he has trusted me to listen with empathy.
Admittedly, this is what I have been trained to do, but it's one thing when it's a patient, and it's another thing when it's someone who you know really cares about what you think of them. I know he took a risk telling me about him. And he might think that I haven't got anything nearly so dazzling and puzzling to reveal about myself, but that's where he's wrong. And every second that I'm with him, I'm grateful. I'm grateful that I met him, that I found someone so beautiful and funny and dynamic that makes me feel so alive, and I'm sorry that I'm so much of a coward that I can't tell him how amazing he is, and I just hope he can read between the lines, and see the look on my face, and know that even if he never *loves* me the way I know I love him, that that's perfectly ok with me.